If you know me, you would know that I am quite skeptical about alternative healing methods for mental health. Sign me up for an ice-skating session, sure. Skiing, never tried before, sure. Anything that is interesting, like art therapy or a type of sport which I have never tried before. Chakras, singing bowls, natural healing methods, not my cup of tea.
My intolerance with how mental health is treated is the straw that will one day, break my back. Even while doing my research, the inaction and lack of a sense of urgency continue to grind my gears. For an issue that affects one in twelve Singaporeans, we sure aren’t doing anything about it.
To say that mental health and mental illnesses are plagued by stigma is a gross understatement. Yet, after one of the most successful decades into looking at neurology, we still see poor mental health and mental illness as a form of personal weakness and indulgence. This stigma that we put on people (or even ourselves) could shame them or others into not seeking treatment. Even if they do seek treatment, they can go through a nightmarish lonely recovery.
I am so sick and tired of having crying and anger outbursts. I had a threw a tantrum at my father due to a family dispute with him. I self-harmed and then I was being uncooperative a few days later when he wanted to have dinner as a family. After that, I had a meltdown and I actually ran away from home and I drank a lot of alcohol. Every time I get little bursts of happiness, I will start to feel it crashing down again, and somehow something happens which triggers me into a downward spiral.
The first time my boyfriend hid my nearly empty packet of Alprazolam (an anti-anxiety drug that is commonly known as Xanax, and acts as a minor tranquilizer) and my brand new packet of Sertraline (an SSRI-type anti-depressant that is commonly known as Zoloft), I wanted to kill him. And, if I’m being honest, also myself.
You often hear news stories of loners. Loners going on a shooting rampage. Loners killing themselves. Everyone has their preconceived ideas and label other people as such. I hear things like:”This boy is a loner, but he can speak well on stage.”, or “We didn’t know what happened to him. He was a nice and quiet boy, he didn’t have many friends, but he decided to do XXX”.
I have been quite busy recently. I think I am venturing out of my comfort zone again because this time I went to a haunted house at Bukit Gombak CC.
Recovery might mean the person with mental health issues becoming a brand new person. His or her interests may have changed. But I haven’t changed. I am still sensation-seeking, adventurous, spunky and weird. However, I notice that I used to like concrete and tangible items, such as bags, and clothing. However, nowadays, I go for experiences and knowledge, things which are less tangible in nature.
Major Depression in one sentence: “a biochemical disorder with a genetic component, when early experiences influences, where a person cannot appreciate sunsets”. This is a great lecture by Professor Robert Sapolsky, from Stanford University, on Depression with notes prepared by us.
Maybe I should be more random and blog about weird dreams and anything that comes to mind, like Xia Xue. So here it goes. I also have some depression poems and new stuff, but it’s quite dark and all, so I shall leave it aside for now.
I recently realised something. They looked at my resume, decided I was a suitable candidate and called me down. They liked my experience and education. However, the moment they realised I had a mental illness, my qualifications meant nothing. I became a walking mental illness.