If you stay up at night, tossing and turning in bed, contemplating all the what-ifs, I feel you. If you hide in the toilet, shaking with fear and anxiety, I feel you. If you prefer to stay in the comfort of your house and not venture out, I feel you. Because every step feels like a thousand miles.
I realise, for the longest time, I was very reluctant to admit that I have social anxiety. But, here it goes, I really have very debilitating social anxiety. My Estonian friend refused to let me tag him in my photos, so I assumed that he doesn’t like me. Whenever my friends don’t talk or reply to me, I assume that they don’t want to talk to me. Whenever people choose to sit far away from me, I get anxious. Doesn’t help that I actually hear people talking shit about me all the time. I also have test anxiety. I get cold sweat and my hands start sweating whenever I take exams. I will start to wonder, whether I will fail the test or exam. I always feel pressured to maintain my grades. I am also very scared about my GPA dropping below 2.0 and having to go on probation. The act of thinking about this is making me so anxious. Irrational thoughts flood my mind all the time. I wonder whether my essay is good enough. I wonder about a zillion things. Whenever I take piano lessons or singing lessons, I am anxious. Anxious about whether I am able to learn a new piano song. Anxious about whether I will be able to hit the right notes. My parents do not have any expectations of me anymore, which is good. I am just so anxious about everything. I literally hide in the toilet and pray all the time. I know I just have to stop worrying and leave it all up to God. But its hard, it’s really hard. I keep bombarding my lecturers incessantly with questions, I know I should stop, but I just can’t. In the not-so-distant past, I harboured hopes and dreams. Hopes and dreams. But the monster lurking in the recesses of my mind robbed me of everything. It tells me that everything is going to turn out badly, nobody loves me.
If you stay up at night, tossing and turning in bed, contemplating all the what-ifs, I feel you.
If you hide in the toilet, shaking with fear and anxiety, I feel you.
If you prefer to stay in the comfort of your house and not venture out, I feel you.
Because every step feels like a thousand miles.