If you know me, you would know that I am quite skeptical about alternative healing methods for mental health. Sign me up for an ice-skating session, sure. Skiing, never tried before, sure. Anything that is interesting, like art therapy or a type of sport which I have never tried before. Chakras, singing bowls, natural healing methods, not my cup of tea.
I am so sick and tired of having crying and anger outbursts. I had a threw a tantrum at my father due to a family dispute with him. I self-harmed and then I was being uncooperative a few days later when he wanted to have dinner as a family. After that, I had a meltdown and I actually ran away from home and I drank a lot of alcohol. Every time I get little bursts of happiness, I will start to feel it crashing down again, and somehow something happens which triggers me into a downward spiral.
The first time my boyfriend hid my nearly empty packet of Alprazolam (an anti-anxiety drug that is commonly known as Xanax, and acts as a minor tranquilizer) and my brand new packet of Sertraline (an SSRI-type anti-depressant that is commonly known as Zoloft), I wanted to kill him. And, if I’m being honest, also myself.
I have been quite busy recently. I think I am venturing out of my comfort zone again because this time I went to a haunted house at Bukit Gombak CC.
Recovery might mean the person with mental health issues becoming a brand new person. His or her interests may have changed. But I haven’t changed. I am still sensation-seeking, adventurous, spunky and weird. However, I notice that I used to like concrete and tangible items, such as bags, and clothing. However, nowadays, I go for experiences and knowledge, things which are less tangible in nature.
Maybe I should be more random and blog about weird dreams and anything that comes to mind, like Xia Xue. So here it goes. I also have some depression poems and new stuff, but it’s quite dark and all, so I shall leave it aside for now.
I recently realised something. They looked at my resume, decided I was a suitable candidate and called me down. They liked my experience and education. However, the moment they realised I had a mental illness, my qualifications meant nothing. I became a walking mental illness.
Social insufficiencies can cause serious mental health issues. We, as humans, are social creatures and need to interact with others. We yearn to have relationships with others, communications with others, support systems, being part of our community, feeling loved by others. But friends who have never experienced mental health issues find it hard to help and can turn out to have certain negative side effects.
Claire recently blogged about how Singapore is the capital of education and anxiety. I have to agree with her, I have been quite busy, and stressed.
This poses a lot of questions in relation to mental health. Is our self-worth dependent on our IQ or our abilities? Will eugenics take over the world? How will eugenics affect mental health in the future? Where is the line drawn when it comes to ethics? How far would we go to alter or modify ourselves to fit the ideal body type or figure? It doesn’t get worse than this. Uncanny valley doesn’t get worse than this! This is literally the valley of valleys.
I had become a monster, and I pushed everyone away, whether friends or foes. I felt quite ashamed that I had a misunderstanding with a friend, and as a result, I actually left a meetup much earlier than expected without saying a word, because said friend was there.
As someone who goes through periods and waves of depression, self-care can get terribly difficult for me. Brushing my teeth, taking showers or washing my face becomes something I do every few days. Recently, I found one way to make myself take showers. Still working on other self-care methods, but I think taking a shower can be one of the things that make a person feel more refreshed. A slightly cool shower running down the face and body can be very effective in upping one’s mood slightly, being clean and all.
My anxiety has been quite bad recently, I had to take a valium pill for these past two days. I keep having the 21st birthday dream, where I tried to organise a 21st birthday party, but somehow, something would crop out and nothing would work out. I wished my own birthday was more grand, posher and more lavish but now it’s too late. I am not 21 anymore.
I receive treatment at IMH and have attended a myriad of support groups both over the course of my stay in the ward and since then, across various outpatient settings. Recently, my therapist suggested I attend her Psychotherapy Process Group. The objective of which would be to actively work through sticky interpersonal issues that surfaced during group interactions. I struggle with BPD traits and since they tend to manifest themselves as trust and boundary issues in many of my intimate relationships, I decided to give it a go.
Thus, I think I may appear high functioning, or I seem like I am doing okay when I am actually not. In reality, I feel that I am quite low functioning. I have huge employment and education gaps. That’s why I am writing this. I feel that I am lagging behind my peers, and I feel that I may not be able to find suitable employment in the future, so I don’t feel like I stand to lose by writing this.
Being an optimist myself, I have always chosen to focus on the bright side of things, on the things that I could change and improve. Thus, I would like to share some ideas on how to focus on the good side of things and drive out those negative thoughts through three simple steps!
Some see it as a sensitive topic when they want to ask about my experience with mental illness, but honestly, I like it. Apart from just offering a different perspective, sharing with them my experience and answering questions forces me to reflect on my past.
When we entered the mirror maze, it felt like a psychedelic drug-fuelled acid trip, which wasn’t a good thing, in my mind. We had to use our pool noodles to help us feel our way through the mirror maze, as we might knock into the mirrors accidentally. There were many dead-ends and your own reflection would stare back at you from multiple mirrors.
But what if other people don’t see it that way? What if they don’t take me seriously anymore? What if they doubt my competence? This doesn’t just apply to employers, but future clients as well. Would people trust a counsellor like me? Nonetheless, I will not stop writing about mental health. I will not stop fighting stigma. It is a life goal of mine I am not willing to give up.
What really struck me was the conundrum even ordinary people faced daily with letting go and/or holding on to intimate relationships. As someone with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) this is a struggle close to my own heart. A core feature of BPD is the presence of serious interpersonal problems. People with BPD tend to have intense, unstable relationships, characterised by frequent wavering between strong clinginess/dependency and sudden withdrawal.
For the past decade, I have believed in the right to die – if you want to die, you have the right to do so and nobody else has the right to make you live. Committing suicide is your choice, and nobody has the right to make that decision for you. I quote Rebecca Wait, author of one of my favourite books, The View on The Way Down: Because he wanted to die. Because he was ill and didn’t believe he’d ever get better. Because it was his choice. Not mine. Not my parents’. We’d have chosen to keep him […]
According to Oxford dictionary online, ghosting is defined as “the practice of ending a personal relationship with someone by suddenly and without explanation withdrawing from all communication.” The article talks about how some friendships turn awkward or sour, and neither party is willing to reconcile their differences, so they end up parting ways.
Hey guys! Recently I went to Thailand with my mum, and you could call it a sabbatical, a holiday, or whatever you call it. We returned home after 1 day in Thailand. We had received news that there was a bombing in Thailand, about 0.8km from our hotel. My mum was very scared and she was panicking, almost on the verge of a panic attack. She told me that I should have listened to my gut instincts and her sixth sense. But hindsight is only 20/20.
You may need a referral to see a mental health professional, if you are feeling stressed out, depressed or having unusual experiences, and it is affecting your day to day life. You can either get a referral from a polyclinic, or directly book an appointment with the clinic or hospital.
Leaving the ward, two things I realised I’d newly acquired were A. a hypothetical diagnosis and B. my mum’s grief/mistrust towards me. The first hit me right off the bat, and would continue to do so as therapy progressed and more issues came to the surface. Medications helped stabilise the highs and lows \, but writing in to the Dependant Protector Scheme for insurance coverage very surely did not.
When I feel empty… I feel my face blur in and out of focus. You prop me up but I fall down. The passing of time doesn’t change me. I am a failure, the only one I notice.
Dear Self-harm, I. hate. you. Please leave me alone. You whisper in my ear. Telling me to prove myself and more. Telling me that no one will have me. Telling me I’m a joke, a liar, a hypocrite.
Volunteering with Caregivers Alliance Limited (CAL) – either by taking on the role of a support leader or trainer for their classes – has been extremely rewarding. A new class just started last week and I’m a trainer. Like the three other classes I have been involved in, I gain new knowledge and insight every lesson. Here are three examples of things I have learned: (1) Misery loves company It sounds rather clichéd, but relationships with individuals going through a similar plight can be very therapeutic. It isn’t something to be wished upon others, but it’s a relief to find […]
The Green Ribbon The colour green was used to identify individuals as “insane” in the past. Today, the green ribbon has become a symbol of mental health awareness in many countries, including Ireland, America, and Canada. We will be placing a green ribbon on our site as a constant reminder of our vision – a society whereby mental health is taken seriously. Mental Health Awareness Month May is Mental Health Awareness Month, which means the #Blog4MH Challenge is here! #Blog4MH is a mental health and wellness blogging challenge, hosted periodically through the year. Anyone who is interested in sharing their thoughts and perspectives on mental health and wellness […]
Today’s the third last day of university life for me, and I have successfully accomplished the task of befriending the resident cat at school. Nothing school or job related. To be honest, I do feel the impending dearth of future aspirations. It’s like training to be a teacher and then, well, not becoming a teacher.