Kesha

Back after a hiatus

I do not identify as a depressive anymore. If someone asked me how I would describe myself, I would tell them that I am a depressive. But now, I think I identify as a clubber or an LGBT member. I thought I had kicked my depressive tantrums to the curb already. My father threatened to send me to IMH forever because I kept throwing tantrums and I really couldn’t help it.


 

 

 

Hi guys, I am back after a long hiatus. I lacked inspiration and I wasn’t feeling creative. Also, my posts started becoming really ranty, so I stopped posting after a while. Well, recently I went to Australia, and the trip has been pretty interesting. I have also been involved in other projects lately, unrelated to mental health, but writing-based. I also did quite well in my studies. I took the full load and got a GPA above 3.5/4 for this semester.

Karma’s a bitch. Well, basically there was this family from China, and they were on the same tour group as me. The old granny cut our queue when we were queueing up for the toilet, and she also stole our tables, and she also photobombed us when we were taking photos with the kangaroos.

In the end, I happily photobombed one of her photos, and somehow, maybe God wanted to punish me, or something? so a pigeon(?) or a seagull shat on my hand and my bag. I went to the toilet to clean myself up and there was water but no soap. I felt so disgusted the entire time.

Funny moments when a little girl exclaimed: girls have more private parts than guys that’s why they can’t pee in the open or something. I forgot what was the context. When we were on the cruise, one tour director came up to us, told us that we have been very naughty, because he thought that we took the food from the buffet table without paying. So, I decided to mimic his accent saying: “you have been very naughty” to my mum. I found it hilarious.

I feel sleepy when I don’t take fluoxetine, and I have decided to stop olanzapine, with the doctor’s support. When we were sightseeing, our itinerary was so packed, that my mum forgot to give me fluoxetine, on certain days. I felt kind of moody sometimes.I don’t know why but I kept sleeping all the time, on the tour bus. And I slept a lot. Really a lot. I thought that I was hyperactive or hypomanic, but maybe I can’t function without fluoxetine at all, and I am really suffering from fatigue. The doctor advised me to taper off olanzapine and stop completely, but I wasn’t ready. I was scared that I would experience hallucinations. But with my ever-ballooning weight, and taking it on alternate days, I think I am ready to stop taking it.

I do not identify as a depressive anymore. If someone asked me how I would describe myself, I would tell them that I am a depressive. But now, I think I identify as a clubber or an LGBT member. I thought I had kicked my depressive tantrums to the curb already. My father threatened to send me to IMH forever because I kept throwing tantrums and I really couldn’t help it. I was so fucking depressed. There was another point in my life where I felt very depressed because I talked to someone who claimed he was suicidal, and I got paranoid and very affected by it and felt very depressed. Well, I referred him to a chat group, and things have been fine with him so far.

I went to a polyclinic for advice because I self-harmed because of this incident. I have since taken their advice. Also, I have been pretty disgruntled with the mental health system, but I have decided to move on. I am in an emotionally better place. I want to live my life without a diagnosis hindering me from what I want to do and achieve. I have goals and plans in life, to live life like a normal person. I am in my happy place now, and I wish this “high” could last forever. I really cannot see myself spending the rest of my life going in and out of IMH. What kind of life would that be?

I played Kesha’s songs on repeat because they were so cathartic and empowering. At first, I felt that her voice was a bit screechy, as she is an alto trying to hit high notes. But then, I realise her raw and unadulterated vocals form the essence and soul of the song, drawing listeners to listen to her. Her song “Praying” was written in reference to the lawsuit with Dr Luke, where he allegedly sexually abused her and fat-shamed her. She literally screams out the chorus, singing: “I hope you’re somewhere prayin’, prayin’/I hope your soul is changin’, changin’/I hope you find your peace/Falling on your knees, praying”, and you can hear the pain in her voice, the hurt, the betrayal.

Her song “Learn to let go” is a catchy pop-infused number with her preppy vocals complimenting the track perfectly. It sounds like a very fun and dancey track. It makes feel that it is time for me to let go and move on as well. It really resonates with listeners who may have a lot of skeletons in their closet or a heavy burden in their heart. You can tell that she really poured her heart and soul into this album. This is her most honest, heart-wrenching confession in the form of an album.

“Rainbow” showcases her light, sultry and airy vocals at the start, and she transitions to her chest voice which sounds very poignant and strong. Rainbow sounds like silent optimism in the face of adversity, it is the battle cry of a warrior going into battle.



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