I don’t want a mental health diagnosis because there is a lot of stigma and ramifications involved. Not being able to apply for insurance. Job discrimination. Taking you very seriously. Taking you so seriously that you are too serious that you have to be in an ambulance, that sort of thing.
28/12/2017 3: 57 AM
I am typing this because I can’t sleep. I have gone off the olanzapine completely, and last night, I was so worried that I was going to get hallucinations again. My dream was quite bizarre. I don’t remember much of it. But I remembered it started off with feeling like something was following me, or being watched and then my mum came to comfort me. Then I saw a little girl talking to me, and I talked to her, and I mimicked what she said verbatim. After that, I screamed at my mum to get the anti-psychotic, because I felt like I was going crazy. Worse still, in my dream, my brother was throwing a tantrum.
Hallucinations are not fun, really. They are the top of my list. Panic attacks, feeling super-suicidal, these don’t top hallucinations. When I was feeling suicidal, a part of me told myself: “Your misery will be over soon.” Give me suicidal thoughts anytime, or bouts of crying spells. I am used to it. But when you give me this shit, it throws me out of the loop. Like when I had hallucinations, it never stops.
I still remember my polytechnic days, when I was having very mild hallucinations for 3 days. I felt like I was being watched and I couldn’t sleep. I would watch cartoons until 3 am. Those progressed to full-blown ones about 2 years later. Insidious, nasty. Moreover, I felt that everyone was talking bad about me, and I couldn’t concentrate in lectures. I had to take taxis because I suspected those on the bus and train were talking about how they wanted to throw me into the rubbish dump. Initially, I was quite angry that I did not have a diagnosis of mental illness when I sought psychiatric treatment. In my mind, I was thinking that I was suffering so badly, which warranted a diagnosis at least. Not a mild illness, a major one. Hallucinations, severe depression and panic attacks. Who would want to live a life like that?
Now, I just want to be a normal person. I psych myself. I am normal. I am normal. I feel there is one analogy for those who are mentally unhealthy/on the cusp of developing issues/mild mental health issues but not suffering from a severe mental illness like MDD or schizophrenia, and those who are suffering from pretty severe mental illness. I liken those to people from middle-class families and lower income families.
Lower income families receive benefits and welfare, however, a lot of them are still struggling on a daily basis. Middle-class families are sandwiched between high-income families and lower income families. They are still struggling with the high cost of living, but they are not poor enough to qualify for subsidies/welfare. High-income families do not need to worry about this aspect. Likewise, those who are severely ill, are allocated a lot of care and support still struggle. Those who are slightly ill or not that serious, have to wait months for an appointment or they feel they lack the support that they should have. I wished I received more support in the past, but now I wish I was totally healthy. So yea, those who are totally experiencing total mental wellness are doing well in this aspect.
I don’t want a mental health diagnosis because there is a lot of stigma and ramifications involved. Not being able to apply for insurance. Job discrimination. Taking you very seriously. Taking you so seriously that you are too serious that you have to be in an ambulance, that sort of thing. No admission to general hospital psychiatric wards, because you are too serious. All sorts of things. As of now, I do have diagnoses given by several doctors and it is still changing. But when I feel very depressed, I have to LLST like my friend said:”lan lan suck thumb (suck it up).”
I really don’t dare to commit suicide. I don’t even dare attempt. I keep having nightmares of going inpatient. I keep trying to keep my mood very high. I am trying so hard.
I really feel very sad for those who have to experience hallucinations on a daily basis. I feel really sad for those who are out of touch with reality every single day of their lives. It is tragic that they do not have a chance at normalcy. They are really the troopers. Never would I wish this on my worst enemy. Fingers crossed that I stay well. I am really scared.