I had become a monster, and I pushed everyone away, whether friends or foes. I felt quite ashamed that I had a misunderstanding with a friend, and as a result, I actually left a meetup much earlier than expected without saying a word, because said friend was there.
Mental illness is such a lonely and isolating illness. It pushes people away from you, and in the end, you are all on your own.
You get to see a psychiatrist, yes, a psychologist maybe, and maybe an occupational therapist or join group therapy. But the bleak side of it all is that you may have to wait one month for your psychiatric appointment, two months for your psychologist appointment.
Sadly, treatment gaps in the mental health system exist. However, dealing with mental illness is like fighting a war daily. What do you do during those times when your resources or helplines aren’t available? I really dread those times when there were no beds in general hospitals and I would have to go to IMH as an inpatient. Sadly, it’s almost all the time.
I decided to write this piece, as I was reflecting on myself and my behaviour. I had become a monster, and I pushed everyone away, whether friends or foes. I felt quite ashamed that I had a misunderstanding with a friend, and as a result, I actually left a meetup much earlier than expected without saying a word, because said friend was there. I felt that the rest of the members were not talking much to me so I was so pissed. I just handed my drink to the counter and stomped off.
I know I am being bitchy, and I don’t know what am I turning into, or who I am anymore. There was another incident in the lecture hall where a few girls used to sit with me for lectures. Suddenly they disappeared, and the other girl left too. So, once, there was a heavy downpour and the poor girl did not have an umbrella. I just opened my umbrella and walked to the bus stop, leaving her to walk in the rain.
Sorry, but I am a bitch. I am sick of getting walked over by people, and being bullied and pushed around so frequently, that I became a bitch myself in the process. I don’t know if it’s my personality disorder which pushes people away from me or something sinister inside of me.
Also, someone asked me why am I so quiet….So I told him that I was unable to talk during the game as I had trouble with the game mechanics and I didn’t know how to “lie convincingly” when I took on bad guy roles. Which is quite true. Also, when I was 12, I started learning about alter-egos. Over the years, I felt that I had developed many personas.
- Sexy Suzy – Seductive and charming, extroverted
- Shy and introverted girl – My default persona, introverted
- Sunshine girl – Happy and talkative, always very helpful and happy, extroverted
- IT Whiz – A persona who is able to fix IT problems and analyse problems critically, introverted
- The lawyer – Smart, sassy and confident, assertive, good at giving presentations, extroverted
- Angsty teen – Always angry at the world, irritable, Avril Lavigne wannabe
- Depressed and vulnerable teen – Fragile and always cries
I feel like I developed some of these personas to protect myself from emotional hurt from people. I do not fit in with the introverts because I might be loud and flamboyant at times. However, I feel that I do not fit in with the extroverts as I am too weird for them.
I feel like I am a self-destructing person, and my depression is eating at me, slowly but surely. I don’t know how much more I can take. I have tried so hard to find somewhere where I belong, somewhere where I fit in, which I can call home. I am very lucky, in the sense that some cliques took me in, during my poly years and some meetup groups. But when I get home at night, I will feel this sense of longing and emptiness, and the realisation that I never fitted in anywhere at all. I have tried to be nice to people, but some of them tried to sell me MLM packages under the guise of friendship. I have tried to interact with people in the mental health community. Some people are too introverted, and they like to stay at home, some are too aloof, some are reluctant to meet up. There are people who are willing to meet up and talk, but my circle of friends in the mental health circle has slowly dwindled. I have tried to forge new friendships but to no avail.