I am so sick and tired of having crying and anger outbursts. I had a threw a tantrum at my father due to a family dispute with him. I self-harmed and then I was being uncooperative a few days later when he wanted to have dinner as a family. After that, I had a meltdown and I actually ran away from home and I drank a lot of alcohol. Every time I get little bursts of happiness, I will start to feel it crashing down again, and somehow something happens which triggers me into a downward spiral.
There was this guy who said he couldn’t sleep at all and wanted me to help him. I told him I would gladly exchange illnesses. I mean, I don’t have constant outbursts, maybe 3-4 times a year? And he couldn’t sleep and that wasn’t too bad for me, as long as my mood is normal.
I am really sick and tired of everything, and I can’t seem to summon the energy to complete my assignments. Its the last lap, my last burst of fire, but somehow I managed to get through the second wave of assignments. Now a bit more and I am near completion. I tell myself I cannot be hospitalised, because of my group projects and assignments and tests. I have stopped playing Runescape, and I have stopped going to church for some time because I don’t feel motivated at all.
I watch a lot of Eugenia Cooney videos and I am quite active on the Reddit depression sub as well as other related subs. I eat a lot of western food, with carbs and cream, and then I tell myself I cannot eat too unhealthily, as I don’t want to gain too much weight, then I end up eating healthy food and I watch my portions. So conflicted man. Worse still, people who have ghosted me from the social anxiety group are still ghosting me until today. But things in school are looking up, such as group work and tests. But life seems like a constant battle with myself, and sometimes, I really can’t go on. But I am really scared of ending up in the hospital with liver failure, and making my life worse than before, that’s why I am still here.
The other day, I wanted to write about how the furniture shops at Millennia Walk were full of eclectic and avant-garde furniture. But somehow I couldn’t upload the pictures, and I forgot the name of the shops and I lost my inspiration. Ugh. There was this cloud installation which could signify a “cloud over somebody’s head”. And some very whimsical and swirly installations which could represent the mess in someone’s mind.
Ugh, never mind.