Thus, I think I may appear high functioning, or I seem like I am doing okay when I am actually not. In reality, I feel that I am quite low functioning. I have huge employment and education gaps. That’s why I am writing this. I feel that I am lagging behind my peers, and I feel that I may not be able to find suitable employment in the future, so I don’t feel like I stand to lose by writing this.
Note: This may be a poorly worded post, my mind feels like a garbage dump with too much garbage right now, and I’m not very lucid at the moment.
But here it goes….
I feel that there is a void in my heart that can’t be filled no matter what I do. Somehow, it keeps coming back. I go to church, have fun with friends, take up hobbies and everything, but I still feel a deep sense of emptiness and I feel there is something missing, and recently I have stopped going to church and I have been isolating myself from them. I skipped this week’s dance lesson, so I think I will go for the next one. I feel so bad for skipping, but I kind of feel down under the weather. I know its not healthy. And no, what is missing is not love. I am not looking for a lover, I am more interested in the song and dance than the actual marriage part. I like to sing and dance and confess my love for other people, but I don’t think that I am actually inclined to marry someone.
As a result, I keep seeking therapists and counsellors. I have had many counsellors, who tried to change my negative thoughts to no avail. I admit that I am psychologically dependent on therapy, and I even suggested to the doctors that I might have Munchausen syndrome. I previously even felt that hospitalisation or living in a group home would allow me to escape from the problems of my life, but I realise that hospitalisation is not the solution for me, neither is living in a group home.
Secondly, I always felt the need to be validated for my suffering, to say that my suffering and struggles in life are enough to be considered “officially depressed”. I have been diagnosed with reactive depression and anxiety in the past and diagnosed with mixed anxiety and depressive disorder during my hospital stay, and then subsequently, I think they amended the diagnosis to reactive depression and anxiety. Also, I was previously diagnosed with a major psychotic disorder, and during my hospitalisation, they said I had a relapse.
What the hell man, and I was told my brain cells would die if I don’t take medicine. I also had a diagnosis of anxiety disorder(saw it in the referral form, the doctor didn’t tell me about it.) But it was amended to schizotypal personality disorder by another doctor. Oh yes, and when the doctor said, “You have a schizotypal personality disorder… so bla bla bla… people with mental conditions face a harder climb. I can link you up with some people who have recovered from major illnesses like schizophrenia, depression and anxiety.”
So in my mind, I was thinking, “I feel like my personality is flawed but it’s not a “major disorder” and I probably do not have any depression or anxiety right now. Great.”
I rather have a diagnosis of depression or anxiety (at the point I am taking medication for it but not sure if it’s still a diagnosis) because it sounds more socially acceptable, sounds more like something you can’t control, as opposed to a personality disorder, sounds more like something you can control. I am afraid that one day I might get arrested for attempted suicide, and I will be handed down a stiff jail sentence because it’s just a “personality disorder”. Also, I feel that I would rather not be diagnosed with a major psychotic disorder, but I don’t want to be labelled as “adjustment disorder” child, where the depression just goes away. It doesn’t. It is always there, lurking, lurking.
To be honest, I feel that I don’t like the reactive depression and anxiety label, as those on forums often tell National Service (NS) boys that they are using it to escape NS duties when they request to down Physical Employment Standard (PES). It makes me feel like I am not being taken seriously. I have thrown countless temper tantrums at home, and I had multiple crying spells as well. But somehow I manage to compose myself in front of the doctors, and somehow maybe I am temporarily distracted from my problems, or I am a real Munchausen girl, and sometimes, I smile. I have only cried once in front of the nurses and once in front of the psychologist when I couldn’t compose myself. However, never in front of the doctors. Thus, I think I may appear high functioning, or I seem like I am doing okay when I am actually not.
In reality, I feel that I am quite low functioning. I have huge employment and education gaps. That’s why I am writing this. I feel that I am lagging behind my peers, and I feel that I may not be able to find suitable employment in the future, so I don’t feel like I stand to lose by writing this. I have sleepless nights, I lose my appetite, I neglect my personal hygiene, I cancel social obligations and stay at home. How is that high functioning? Going to work or going to school is a struggle, and it was a big struggle in the past where I did not understand the content and I had to work with normal people. Negative situations drain me out, and I have had to deal with it by sleeping. Whenever I feel emotionally or mentally drained, I take a cab home because I just want to get home and shut out everything.
I cannot even read books or watch a movie. I am too distracted and I have poor concentration. Also, I cannot sit down at a table and wait for people. If I am not having a meaningful conversation with someone, I will leave. I am too restless and hyperactive. I don’t have any interest in shopping, strangely. I try to have interests in things like shopping or watching movies but I realise my mind drifts off after a while. Whenever I sing I put on a serious face because I imagine that I am a very famous singer putting on a show for people to see. Also, whenever I am on the bus, I feel like I could star in an MTV.
And how did all this start? I felt it started from my own self-hate. I felt that I probably have some disability, mentally. I always wonder if my intelligence level is normal, and it didn’t help that I kept receiving negative affirmations about it, throughout my life. Sometimes, I hate myself so much. This society values productive and intelligent people. Where do I fit in? I feel like I have some maths disability or attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), but so far I am still struggling with it and never brought it up to the doctors, only concurrently with self-reported low moods and self-esteem. When I could not master syncopation, a piano technique, the teacher was so frustrated with me. And naturally, I was frustrated with myself too. I left in a fit of tears and I kept pinching myself. So I took a break from piano lessons.
I am also worried that I may develop other mental illnesses in future. There was a point in time where I was taking antipsychotics, antidepressants, anti anxiety medications. There was a time when I had anxiety, depression, and psychosis all at once. Sometimes, I feel like I am restricting my diet, because I despise my athletic figure. I want to be curvaceous or at least slimmer. I feel like I have a post-pregnancy figure. I feel my tummy is too big and my thighs are too fat and I wish I had a more generous bosom. I also pick at my scalp, because I feel like I want to remove all the dandruff from my scalp but it’s so horrible. Red spots and sores form at my scalp too. Sometimes I write things down, but I have to keep running them through my head. Ugh.
But then, nowadays I try not to act on any suicidal thoughts or impulses. I fear the uncertainty of not really knowing what happens after the end of my life beckons. I fear the thought of landing in IMH. I am so scared of going there. I still feel like I need to keep fighting, I still have stuff to look forward to.
Oh yes, and also sometimes my mood is so elevated and I can’t sleep for days. Sometimes, I see people as either good or bad, and there is no middle ground. Also, I have grandiose thoughts and ideas and some delusions that doctors are in love with me. Sometimes, I think I might be an autistic savant with a special talent for art.
Oh yes, and the part about wanting to go to Hollywood. Childhood dream man. You tell me it’s impossible, but I am like whatever. I just want to let go and be disinhibited and sing and dance. I feel that most doctors don’t see the full extent of it. Or maybe it’s just part of my schizotypal personality disorder. But I am inclined to think that I have narcissistic and histrionic features, as I make a mountain out of a molehill, and I am extremely self-absorbed and sometimes I might portray some characteristics of a narcissist, like seeking attention. I have actually chopped up a chopping board in a fit of anger and self-hate when I was frustrated with myself. I feel like that is so dramatic of me.
See, I am a hot mess.
I called the doctor and she said that I do not have the anxiety or depression label anymore, I primarily have a schizotypal personality disorder, and maybe depression and anxiety symptoms but not depression or anxiety as a diagnosis. So where do I go from here? I feel like a fraud, telling people who asked about my diagnosis that I have depression. I used to identify with the depressive community, and I have an Instagram account with dark quotes about depression. Before I started seeking mental health treatment, I used to think I had bipolar disorder or split personality (dissociative identity disorder).
After I started seeking treatment, I felt that I had treatment resistant depression. But anyway, I am not going to do anything to prove a point. I cannot afford to go to the hospital if I ever try to attempt suicide, or I might be kicked out of my school. If I tried to commit suicide and failed, I feel that things would be worse than before. So even when my moods get very bad, I have to bear with it. But I feel like my medication is not working that well, I think I may need something really strong. Sometimes I feel like I just have to roll with the punches and just get on with life. No point seeking any second opinions.
In the end, I just want to live my life and move on. After all, diagnoses are just arbitrary. I can feel symptoms like fatigue and irritability creeping back into my life, but so far I haven’t been so anxious that my legs turn numb or being so anxious that I keep sweating. Omg, speak of the devil. Now that I say it I can feel my hands and feet sweating from anxiety. I also don’t feel so anxious till I needed to vomit, like in the past. I feel like I may burn bridges by writing this, but I am too tired to care right now.
Disclaimer: This is purely just my opinion and my life experiences. Well, it is not the doctors fault or anybody’s fault, I guess maybe its the way I present myself. Okay thanks bye.